Thoughts of an Evolving Fandad.

“I ain’t no perfect man, I’m trying to do the best that I can, with what it is I have.” Mos Def

It’s a new year. It’s that time where everyone makes resolutions, promises or lists of the things that they want to accomplish in the new year.  That time of year where everyone wants to start fresh and feel like they’re actually doing something positive in their lives.  That time of year where we all want a new beginning.

I used to make those lists, but would normally not follow through with it due to some reason or another.  These list, resolutions and promises became reminders of failed ideas that were once the focus of the year and just end up becoming a tossed idea.  Every year, everyone has that one goal that they want to accomplish, but while some actually do it, others don’t.  I tend to fall in the latter group.  I always say to myself that “This is the year that I _________”, but after a few months I’m on to something else.

Being a dad this past year has taught me something about what is important and what isn’t.  Do these resolutions really matter or is there something better that I should be attaining in the new year?  The past few months I haven’t been myself lately.  I’ve had many days where I would just go through the motions of the day: wake up, take care of my little girl, go to work, make dinner, spend time with my wife, but I really wasn’t in the moment when I was doing these things.  At times I felt like I was a different person living this life and didn’t like what I saw.  I felt like I was losing myself and becoming a different person. Someone who……I can’t even describe it.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate my life.  I love every minute that I spend with my family and those special moments where it’s just me and my little girl.  I think that I am the happiest when we are playing games and I see the love and appreciation in her eyes.  Just hearing her call for me or give me a hug makes me forget everything that is bothering me, but there are days where I am not happy.

I think some of it has to do with where I am at in my career.  I have a job, thankfully, that I enjoy. I don’t love it like I thought I would, but it pays the bills.  I would love it if I was working in my chosen profession, but there are a few obstacles that I must go through in order to obtain that goal.  I really blame myself for this stall, but I know that in due time I will be teaching somewhere.  Will this finally make me happy, who knows, but I know that I will doing what I love.

Right now the one thing that has me going is my little girl.  I want to do everything possible to make her life effortless while she is still young.  Just watching her grow and seeing her little personality emerge is just fascinating.  Watching her sleep the other night made me think of one resolution that I think I can keep this year and that is: “To be the best father that I can be to her.”

I know this sounds ridiculous, but I think that I am doing this everyday by putting her first before my own needs. I always think of her before I think of myself.  I don’t buy action figures like I used to because I am always thinking, “The money I spend on those figures could be used for diapers, food, clothing for my little girl.” Nowadays I go down the toy aisle and just look at what’s out there and concentrate more on getting fun, educational toys for her.  I guess this goes with the whole quote that we used in our first post here on Fandads:  “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

Now my little girl means everything to me and I will always try to do my best and do anything for her.  I do know that at times I will fail her or not be able to comfort her when she needs me to, but hopefully those days will be few and far apart from each other.  While I will devote a lot of my time on her, I also know that I have to put aside some time for myself and let myself grow as a person too.  So, in order to balance this, I have thought of things that I want to get back to to become a more well rounded father.

This isn’t my resolution list, but it’s just a list of things that I will try to accomplish this year: getting a better job, is at the top of that list.  Other things on that list are: getting back to making music, fixing my 35mm camera and going into photography again, writing more; not only for myself but for this blog too, and taking more trips to museums.  While this may seem like a lot to put on my plate the main reason I want to do these things is so I can share them with my little girl.  I want to pass down the joy I get from doing these things and hopefully start a spark in her. 

I know that I am not the perfect brother, husband, or father, but this year I am going to try to do my best to get a little closer to being a better man than I was the day before.  Scratch that, I am going to do my best to get a little closer to being a better man than I was the day before, because everyone knows, “Do or do not, there is no try.”

Thanks for reading,

4 thoughts on “Thoughts of an Evolving Fandad.”

  1. Wow, that was deep! Thanks for sharing your brain with us. I love it.

    Little man,,,,,I don’t know what had/has discouraged you, but you will get to where you want to be. You’ll see, because you are sooooo talented. You will achieve your goal and you’re right, only you can do that. Your music and figures are your passion and hobby, it’s the kid in you and it’s ok, we will always have a kid in us. When you did sell some of your figures, you did what you had to for your daughter and there is nothing wrong with that. Look on the bright side, you still have plenty of figures left and your music is all there and is not going anywhere (well at least until the move, someday). One day, you will find yourself collecting again.

    As far as being a better brother and son, like I told you a few weeks ago, you don’t need to prove anything to me, Sis, or Mom and Dad, just you. We are your blood and we are here for you till the end, through my past experience I truly believe in that. Maybe we have pushed you because we know you want to teach and that is why we ask if you are doing what you have to do to get there. Hey, we’re your family right? We'd be fake and careless if we didn't ask. I think you will find that right path and find the right job that you will love. I look forward to your school talks about your students. From what I see, Sofia, so you know, already has that spark, I see the way she looks at you and it is beautiful. Her love to you is and will always be unconditional, no matter what. You are already the best Dad ever to her.

    Love you, unconditionally,

    Your favorite sis 

  2. what drew me to you when we first met over 14 years ago was how unique you were. you were so passionate over music, writing, photography. and you were so real. i knew music, but you introduced me to a whole new level of music…"real" music. you brought out the writer in me (look at all the a's i scored in my college research papers!), and i developed a love for photography…the importance of catching special moments.
    i still see this passion in you today. the other day when we were watching that clip on qbert. it reminded of the days when we would watch those "dj tapes" in your basement. it brought a smile to my face.
    it pains me when people, including family, tell you to "just" sell your turntables & records, and to get "rid" of all of your figures. they don't see you behind closed doors like i do. i see your heart breaking, your dreams vanishing. that's why i've never pushed you to do the same because i am a firm believer that everything will fall into place. the right time will come. the only thing i've asked of you is to focus on the here & now so we can survive as a family. that you've done & then some. i don't tell you everyday, but i see all that you do for our family & i am one lucky lady. we don't have much, but man, the love & trust & respect we have for each other is like no other.
    remember that "paper" i wrote for you not that long ago? well, i'm not going to repeat what i wrote in there (that's just for you & me), but it still holds true today.
    hang in there, babe. sofia & i aren't going anywhere but stand by your side & cheer you on!
    you're doing an amazing job so far….look at how much she loves music, and how much she loves to have pictures taken of her, and how much she loves it when we read to her. i see the same passion & excitement in her eyes that i continue to see in yours.
    find your happiness…you already are the best in our baby girl's eyes.

  3. … "While this may seem like a lot to put on my plate the main reason I want to do these things is so I can share them with my little girl. I want to pass down the joy I get from doing these things and hopefully start a spark in her."

    … hey, i have to tell you that as i write this comment my eyes are overwhelmed with tears as my heart feels your sincere thoughts which i know have been expressed from deep within your heart.
    … yes, becoming a parent does change your life. after i became a mother all the pain of my past was gone, my lil monster became my life and future til the day im gone from this earth.
    … i can honestly say i did not make resolutions every year because i too fell out of them by day 2.
    … you are a great person in everyway that i know you, a brother, husband and father, but i must be honest and tell you what i discovered, "YOU" have to be first in your heart before anyone, "YOU" have to be happy with you. no im not telling you to put your daughter or family second, without self love you cant truly love or be happy, and believe you me i speak from experience.
    … do not let anyone hold you back from your true dreams, anyone! and when you do, and to help you focus, just picture the big smile on your daughter as she sees the big smile on your face, best feeling ever!

  4. "New Year's Day–Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual."

    -Mark Twain

    Yoda's got the right idea. Good luck in 2011.

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