Thoughts of an Evolving Fandad.

“I ain’t no perfect man, I’m trying to do the best that I can, with what it is I have.” Mos Def

It’s a new year. It’s that time where everyone makes resolutions, promises or lists of the things that they want to accomplish in the new year.  That time of year where everyone wants to start fresh and feel like they’re actually doing something positive in their lives.  That time of year where we all want a new beginning.

I used to make those lists, but would normally not follow through with it due to some reason or another.  These list, resolutions and promises became reminders of failed ideas that were once the focus of the year and just end up becoming a tossed idea.  Every year, everyone has that one goal that they want to accomplish, but while some actually do it, others don’t.  I tend to fall in the latter group.  I always say to myself that “This is the year that I _________”, but after a few months I’m on to something else.

Being a dad this past year has taught me something about what is important and what isn’t.  Do these resolutions really matter or is there something better that I should be attaining in the new year?  The past few months I haven’t been myself lately.  I’ve had many days where I would just go through the motions of the day: wake up, take care of my little girl, go to work, make dinner, spend time with my wife, but I really wasn’t in the moment when I was doing these things.  At times I felt like I was a different person living this life and didn’t like what I saw.  I felt like I was losing myself and becoming a different person. Someone who……I can’t even describe it.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate my life.  I love every minute that I spend with my family and those special moments where it’s just me and my little girl.  I think that I am the happiest when we are playing games and I see the love and appreciation in her eyes.  Just hearing her call for me or give me a hug makes me forget everything that is bothering me, but there are days where I am not happy.

I think some of it has to do with where I am at in my career.  I have a job, thankfully, that I enjoy. I don’t love it like I thought I would, but it pays the bills.  I would love it if I was working in my chosen profession, but there are a few obstacles that I must go through in order to obtain that goal.  I really blame myself for this stall, but I know that in due time I will be teaching somewhere.  Will this finally make me happy, who knows, but I know that I will doing what I love.

Right now the one thing that has me going is my little girl.  I want to do everything possible to make her life effortless while she is still young.  Just watching her grow and seeing her little personality emerge is just fascinating.  Watching her sleep the other night made me think of one resolution that I think I can keep this year and that is: “To be the best father that I can be to her.”

I know this sounds ridiculous, but I think that I am doing this everyday by putting her first before my own needs. I always think of her before I think of myself.  I don’t buy action figures like I used to because I am always thinking, “The money I spend on those figures could be used for diapers, food, clothing for my little girl.” Nowadays I go down the toy aisle and just look at what’s out there and concentrate more on getting fun, educational toys for her.  I guess this goes with the whole quote that we used in our first post here on Fandads:  “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

Now my little girl means everything to me and I will always try to do my best and do anything for her.  I do know that at times I will fail her or not be able to comfort her when she needs me to, but hopefully those days will be few and far apart from each other.  While I will devote a lot of my time on her, I also know that I have to put aside some time for myself and let myself grow as a person too.  So, in order to balance this, I have thought of things that I want to get back to to become a more well rounded father.

This isn’t my resolution list, but it’s just a list of things that I will try to accomplish this year: getting a better job, is at the top of that list.  Other things on that list are: getting back to making music, fixing my 35mm camera and going into photography again, writing more; not only for myself but for this blog too, and taking more trips to museums.  While this may seem like a lot to put on my plate the main reason I want to do these things is so I can share them with my little girl.  I want to pass down the joy I get from doing these things and hopefully start a spark in her. 

I know that I am not the perfect brother, husband, or father, but this year I am going to try to do my best to get a little closer to being a better man than I was the day before.  Scratch that, I am going to do my best to get a little closer to being a better man than I was the day before, because everyone knows, “Do or do not, there is no try.”

Thanks for reading,

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